Figuring It Out Together
Figuring It Out Together:
Men’s Mental Health and the Conversations We Need to Have
Written by Anecia Henry
For much of my life, I feared I didn’t have emotions.
I had huge, scary thoughts, but the closest I got to “feelings” were the sensations in my body: an urge to isolate, a vibrating feeling that made me want to crawl out of my skin, a tightness in my chest, a headache. I assumed it was just who I was.
But everything—and everyone—has a breaking point. I had always been a quiet, introspective kid, but it wasn’t until I was 16 and couldn’t hold back tears in front of my family that the weight of everything I had been carrying finally caught up with me.
When I started working with men and boys, I realized that even though I had my own experiences with suppressing my emotions, I lived in a family that saw me and signed me up for therapy and a culture that was accepting of women exploring their emotional well-being. For a lot of black men and boys, they don’t have this privilege. That’s when I realized I’d never asked the men in my life about their own emotional experiences. To rectify this, I decided to get curious about the lives of those closest to me because, if I’ve learned anything in my own journey, it’s that the most important thing is starting the conversation.
Learning What Mental Health Means
I started by asking some of the black men in my life what mental health means to them. Their answers showed that mental health isn’t one-size-fits-all—it’s about clarity, expression, control, and so much more. When I asked, “what does mental health mean to you,” here are some of the replies they gave me:
Mental health isn’t just about being okay—it’s about how we process what happens to us, how we move forward, and how we make sense of our emotions.
For me, accessing my emotions actually started with listening to my body. The way our feelings manifest in physiological reactions—whether that’s a tight chest, a clenched jaw, or a restless energy—can be a guide. I had spent so much time suppressing my emotions that I had to learn to pay attention to my body first, to recognize that those sensations were my emotions speaking to me before I could find the words. But tuning into my body was only part of the story.
Culture and our environment play huge roles in how we learn to engage with our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. For example, one of my brother-in-laws grew up in Jamaica, where hardship, tragedy, and trauma were considered normal. People didn’t talk about emotions; they suppressed them, numbed them with alcohol or drugs, or simply kept moving. Similarly, my best friend learned to “not care” to avoid arguing with his family which has actually been an effective coping mechanism for maintaining peace in his family relationships. While many of us may have not been explicitly taught to think about mental health, we still learned from our experiences that we need to show up certain ways to survive.
The hard thing is that these coping mechanisms don’t work for every situation and certainly don’t last forever. Not caring or numbing our emotions may keep us steady for some time, but ultimately cannot move us towards thriving and reaching our full potential.
When Awareness Begins
At the B.R.O. Experience, our entrance to thinking about mental health is through awareness. We build awareness through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). To put it simply, CBT helps us begin to look at our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors objectively so we can move more intentionally toward our goals. For example, my nephew Aiden shared that the thought that a situation wasn’t “bad enough” sometimes stopped him from seeking to understand it. However, he learned that invalidating the experience only meant that the situation continued to impact him unconsciously.
Can you think about a time when you first had a thought, emotion, or experience that was distressing to you? That changed how you saw the world or perceived other people? Here’s how some of the men in my life experiences those first moments of awareness:
“I had a bad winter when I was 19 or 20. I was waking up and not able to redirect thoughts in a way that was more positive. I waited until it stopped and labeled it as a form of anxiety but I didn’t feel it was trauma related. If it wasn’t that, I figured it must be biological/physiological, and started eating healthier and exercising more and while that didn’t solve everything, it helped a lot.” - Brian
“When I was in 7th grade during COVID, I went to a virtual school that I didn’t like and it was affecting my school work. Things felt very boring and unhappy, everyday was the same. It started to affect my schoolwork, but because I was already in trouble since my grades were slipping, I couldn’t really tell my mom about it.” - Aiden
For my brother-in-law and nephew, their curiosity about their experiences helped them gain understanding of what they wanted to change.
What I Hope You Take Away
Awareness gives us the tools to take care of ourselves when things get tough. Part of mental wellness is finding self-care practices that maintain our ability to feel good—or at least okay. Whether it’s through therapy, meditation, physical activity, or just checking in with trusted people, these practices help us stay grounded before things spiral.
As my brother-in-law put it: “it’s already eating you alive. You can see it in people—the weight they carry, the tension in their shoulders, the exhaustion on their faces.” The more we bottle things up, the more they control us.
To me, it starts with everyday conversations. It starts with checking in before someone reaches their breaking point. It starts with changing the habit of handling everything in isolation. Therapy and medication are powerful tools, but so is community. So is creating a space where vulnerability is a natural part of how we support each other.
Ask your friends how they’re really doing. Ask your younger brother, your cousin, your dad.
The truth is, we all need each other. And maybe, if we start these conversations now, we won’t have to wait until things fall apart to figure out how to support one another.
Advice from the Men
“The world is bigger than a corner or a block… when I go back to Jamaica, I encourage people to explore. There’s nothing to fear. You don’t have to do the same thing every day. We have to change the culture.” - Eddie
“Don’t leave any stone unturned. Most of my friends have gone to therapy. Invest in yourself, mentally and physically. You can’t help anyone else until you help yourself.” - Brian
“Caring less about what people think of you is freeing. Mental health should be selfish—you are the most important person in your life. Of course, doing what makes you happy every day isn’t always sustainable, but there’s a middle ground people often overlook.”- Vincent
Meet the Author
About Anecia Henry
Anecia Henry is a Program Coordinator at The B.R.O. Experience where she leads the BRO Project and Redefine Wellness Event Series. Anecia is completing her Master’s of Social Work (MSW) at Fordham Graduate School of Social Work and is passionate about helping communities practice holistic wellness.